General Fiction posted June 21, 2016 Chapters: 2 3 -4- 5... 


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a contest entry

A chapter in the book wake up prose

There's no place like America

by djeckert

The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
A fella walked into a bar.
"Wow!" the man thinks to himself as he looks around. "I have NEVER beheld anything like this. The colors are like nothing I've ever seen, and the decor is...well it's truly strange. I wonder where a guy can get a drink. I'm suddenly oh, so parched and almost weirdly woozy."
He rubs his head, takes another few steps and trips,stumbling over something in his path.

"HEY! WATCH WHERE YOUR GOING, YOU BIG, BIG , Whoa BOY you yuuuuuuge GALOOT!" a screaming, yet eerily quiet voice seems to drift up from below.
The man looks down below his waist to see a very tiny, very angry, almost munchkin like man (with VERY strange mop-like hair) posturing up at him.

"Oh I'm sorry sir!" the man says, "I almost didn't... I mean I DIDN'T see you there. Can you tell me how I can get a drink of something refreshing in this place. I'm feeling a little bit-"

-"parched? You says eh?", the little creature interrupts, 'tis SO easy. Ya see these little tiles in da floor here?, these red, these white and these blue ah tiles here, just follow em' for a while, and they'll lead ya right where ya wanna be."
He claps his hands together like karate chops with each last word.
"But be very careful big man." he warns lifting his tiny hand, "if you's starts hearing the ominously hellacious sounds of a harmonica and then run into some ugly, haggard old witchy women pushin' her broom, or her mop head, she might yell at ya'. Sayin' some rude crap like "get off of my tiles! Can't ya see I'm tryin' to finally clean up around here?WHAT? you think you were born in a... born in a ... A HELL! She'll say: Stay offa my tiles you idiot! Go thissa way." the little munchkin like creature bobs his head, ruffling his mop-top, gleefully mocking the weird, apparent janitor.

"She'll prob'ly cackle at ya and point her disgustinly gnarly finger down a hallway off to the left side to this dark stairwell. But whatevers ya do bud, I'm tellin' ya, don't pay her no mind, just keep on a walkin' on along those tiles! Her bark is way worse than her bite. I promise ya. Just keep on keepin' on."

"I tell ya the Truth. When ya get to the end of those tiles, you will be in fer a real treat. No, scratch that, a yuuuuuge treat my friend! Just be careful and be diligent."

"Oooooh k. thank you so much. ' You strange little munchkin man', the man thinks to himself.

"Wow! ALL of this for a stinkin' drink. It better be one helluva good beer."

So off the man goes, down one of the long hallways lined with the tri-colored tiles. As he goes, the lights all around the place seem to surge to a much brighter hue.

Along the hallway, old lit-up beer signs hang all along its walls. Shining, flashing and blinking in all of their neon glory. Their trickling pseudo, frosted glass lit-up waterfalls enticing all kinds of youthful memories. They ALL are so overpoweringly beautiful to the man, as they bring back so many good old memories to him.
"Oh my, It's like ...like I stepped back in time," he gleefully thinks. Taking in all the nostalgia, he doesn't even notice the grinding and growling ominous harmonica groans echoing through the halls.

" Ah, lookie here, it's ... it's the Lowenbrau lion, and here , Oh my, the Hamm's bear...well and here a waterfall... Wow... will you look at that - Tony the Tiger? Oh my! What is HE doing in a place like this?" he asks himself aloud.

"WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?" a menacing, woman's voice cackles suddenly through the hall, wrecking his beautiful moment, and making the man almost poop himself.

"Get off my tiles!" she shrieks. "Can't you see that I'm tryin' to clean up around here? Now give this old woman a break and go THAT way", she screeches pointing her disgustingly crooked pointing hand off to the left.
"Come on now deary, take these stairs over here. Now come...come over here ssssweeeeetie"

Putting his head down the man takes off down the tiled hall, running as fast as he can.

The witchy woman throws down her mop, crazily cackling after him. "What? you will not have steps with that woman that...that harmonica little witchy?", she gasps.
"Who cares! You scaredy cat weasily little tin man, WHAT?... are you afraid of ME cause I'm a strong woman? I'm a Lyin'! HEAR ME ROARRRR!" she cackles off, roaring pathetically.
"You'll get yours big man! You'll get yours."

Running the red white and blue tiles untill he can't run them any more, the man stops and looks up.

There the bar is!
Its whole top lit up like glorious crystals with stem ware of all kinds, shapes and sizes, hanging there, gleaming beautifully in the bright lights above the bartender.

"Welcome to Emerald's City Bar. I am your barkeep this evening. My name is Ziegfried. How are you tonight sir?
You look absolutely parched! What can I get for you?"

The man, relieved, replies, "Thank you, I AM parched. I think I'll get me a -"

Suddenly the lights in the empty bar start to whirl around like sirens. Bells and whistles go off and loud game show music starts filling the air.
"Thaaaaaat's right Ziegfried",
a game show announcer's voice fills the once muted air.
"Mr. Man, come on down. You're the NEXT contestant to play: The Beer Is Right! If you choose the RIGHT beer...the most expensive beer that is, the one that's behind this curtain!" (Suddenly a small curtain drops, seemingly from out of the sky, to a position right behind the bartender.)
"If you... pick the right beer behind the curtain... you, Mr. Man, will WIN all sorts of fantastically fabulous and glorious prizes! Now back to you, Ziegfried."
As quickly as the commotion started, it ends.
Returning to a quiet, sedate, empty bar.

"So, What'll you have sir?" the barkeep asks.

"What in the world was that?" asks the man incredulously.

"Oh that... yes that happens around here quite often. Are you gonna play sir? What'll you choose tonight sir"

"Well. What exactly do you have?"

" I thought you'd never ask." laughs the barkeep.

"We don't have any of those incredie micro brewed sweeties,but ummmm, let's see....
Well, we have some of the usual. A bunch of those Bush products, but I wouldn't EVER suggest any of them sir. To me they seem kind of like,
like rancid, you know?"

"We also have Foster's lover, I mean lager. Sorry a bit of a Freudian slip there. It's a tall can of...well you know, a tall can of something."

"oh! oh!" I almost forgot we do have this new one, it's called Duck Ale. I hear it's good for the old noggin eh!" he says, knockin' lightly on his head with his fist. "Oh we also have Samuel Adams pale ale, you can never really go wrong with that one."
He goes on pitching the beers "We have one called Iron City, and another called the Sidestepper, I think, and... and a Bernie Beer. That might be it I'm afraid.

"Well, which one is the most expensive?" The man asks coyly.

"You know I can't tell you THAT sir." Ziegfried replies.
"Well, we are all waiting, what'll you have senor?"

"I ...I guess I'll have the Sam Adams, as you say, you can't really go wrong-"

-"uh, uh ,uh!" The barkeep says waving his right finger at the man in shame through the air. "Wrong choice."
His left hand clutching the lower corner of the curtain, he goes on.
"You should have went with the Duck. Sen'or, why you no go with the duck?" He asks as his hand suddenly, and with a quick magician like jerk, yanks on the curtain and a bright light suddenly overpowers and fills up the man's awareness, blinding him.

As the man's vision adjusts to the light, he suddenly sees the dark silhouette of another man who seems to be holding his groggy head in his hands.

"Sen'or, why you no choose the duck? Oh senor! Why you NO choose the duck? Are you okay senor? Many men, they see the bar and they choose the walking around, and other men, they see the bar and choose the duck. Why you no choose the duck? Oh no!, Here comes my boss!"

A hysterical man comes running out of a nearby shop.
"Ziggy! Oh Ziggy what have you done? Ziggy, I tells you ten tousand times! When you load zee drycleaning on yer truck... I tell and I tell you NOT to leave empty clothes bar just...just sitting there across sidewalk... somebody, some a body gonna get hurt! Ziggy... how many time eh?" Throwing his flailing arms one last time out into the air, he turns his attention back towards the man. "Mr. are you okay? meester... oh brother! meester!"

The man, suddenly regaining all of his faculties says "No worries Mr.? Ah...Mr - "

- "I'm meester Auntiemmanopolis. Oh God! Are you alright?"

A big relieved grin crosses the man's face, reallizing what just happened. The man tries to reassure the rabid shopkeep saying "like I said, no worries Mr. Auntiemmanopolis. Praise God! There is NO Place like... like America!"

"Yes", the seemingly relieved shopkeeper repeats." Vigorously shaking the man's hand. "There is no place like America yes! yes!"

Another man wearing a fancy three piece suit suddenly appears to the man seemingly from nowhere, handing him a card.
" Mr. ... I saw the whole thing. I was walking right behind you. I'd love to represent you in this matter. I agree...Yes, there IS NO place like America!"


A fella walked into a ... contest entry


I suppose I could have killed this whole story if I talked like my teenage daughter and said

" A fella literally walked into a bar" lol ( but that would have been no fun)
This was inspired by the joke that goes " two men walked into a bar, and one other ducked"
Pays one point and 2 member cents.


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