Reviews from

Wee Poems and Flash Fiction

Viewing comments for Chapter 111 "The Hilltop Bar"
Short poems of various types and flash fiction

26 total reviews 
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
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What a tragic story about this boy's mother and father. I'm sure that life bring scenes like this too many times. Many don't realize the situation at home, like this boy needed his dad to help in a time of need.

 Comment Written 31-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 01-Feb-2020
    Thank you, Rosemary for your review and stars.
Comment from Tami Urbanek
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Welp, sounds like he got his father home. An unfortunate common situation where a parent is drinking to drunkenness when another is home and suffering. I enjoyed reading it!

 Comment Written 31-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 01-Feb-2020
    Thank you, Tami. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review. Shirley
Comment from Ideasaregems-Dawn
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I hope you won't mind me offering a rather detailed suggestion...

This is an excellent story, but there is a problem -- it's the sequence of events. You begin with Archie at the bar, which is all well and good, but you don't explain that he went home (after his dad backhanded him) and then went BACK to the bar with the billy-club. The way you have written it, he went to his father's closet while he was still at the bar. It's an easy fix, though: "He went home and straight to his father's closet."

I realize you have to watch your word count, and my suggestion is three words longer, so here's one place you could cut three words: "...My mother is dead (at our home)..." Cut "at our home". The previous sentences tell us anyway: "...This is my father and he is going home!" The reader makes the connection without it being spelled out again.

Well done otherwise -- I enjoyed it very much (even though it's rather sad because it is likely a situation some kids live with... But that speaks well of the plot -- realism.) Best of luck in the contest!



 Comment Written 31-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 01-Feb-2020
    I do not mind you sharing your mind at all. Your welcome to do it anytime you like. I will make the change. Thank You Shirley
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 02-Feb-2020
    Oh good! I'm glad -- thanks, Shirley. :)
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2020
    Your welcome.....
Comment from Natalie Goodwin
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The descriptions were vivid and you described well Archie's strained relationship with his father. I was surprised by the ending of the story but it was a good ending.

 Comment Written 31-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 01-Feb-2020
    Thank you Natalie for your kind review and the stars. Shirley
Comment from Minglement
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Wow, quite a powerful story, taking the reader, in ore ways than one, to a very dark place. You painted well the scene you intended in your description, sad as it is. Well done.

 Comment Written 30-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
    Thank You so much for your kind words and the stars.
Comment from Mastery
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Hi Shirley. Long time no see.

You have a good entry here, but it needs some polish in my opinion. Here are some suggestions because I want you to win.

Re-work paragraph one IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. IT IS THE ONLY CHANCE YOU GET TO HOOK THE READER.

Try this:
Archie leaned against the screen door, squinting to see the action inside.

He saw guests milling around with drinks in their hands. Some sat quietly with their chins touching their chests... already so drunk they couldn't lift their heads Others appeared to be engaged in serious discussion.

Further: "Archie's eyes were swollen and red. He'd obviously been crying a lot.

Other suggestions also Shirley, but this is all I have time for Sorry Bob


 Comment Written 29-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
    Any suggestions from you are good. I have missed your helpful critiques. I've been absent due to life circumstances. Thanks again for the help. Shirley
reply by Mastery on 30-Jan-2020
    :) Thank you. Bob
Comment from padumachitta
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Hello.
Oh geez, desperate measures for desparate times. i wasn't at all sure where this was going and that's good in flash fiction.
Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 29-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I do appreciate the stars also. Shirley
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
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Hello Shirley. This is an intriguing flash story. It is a sad situation. I did not realize Archie had returned home after receiving the drink of water. The ending was certainly not predictable, which is essential to good flash fiction.
I liked the compassion for Archie in your notes.

Robert

 Comment Written 29-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
    Thank you,Robert, for your kind words and the stars. I do appreciate it. Shirley
reply by Robert Zimmerman on 30-Jan-2020
    You're welcome
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
    Thank You
Comment from Therese Caron
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This is a wonderful story, where you really don't know what is going to happen next. He obviously wants to avoid his father, yet he wants to bring him home for the sake of his mother. I think you should keep writing this so we'll see what happens, instead of it just being a flash fiction. Good luck in the contest!

 Comment Written 28-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
    Thank you, Therese, for your kind words and the stars. I just might continue the story when I get time. Shirley
Comment from Teri7
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Shirley, This is a very interesting and very well written Flash Fiction poem you have penned for the contest. You used very good descriptive words. I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Nice to see you on here again. love and blessings, Teri

 Comment Written 28-Jan-2020


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2020
    Thank you so much for your kind words and the stars, Teri. It is good to be back. Shirley